Overcoming School Anxiety Blog
with Diane Peters Mayer, M.S.W., L.S.W.
Diane Peters Mayer Blog for Overcoming School Anxiety

Should She Force Her Son To Go Back To School?: A Commitment Mother Seeks Advice On How To Help Her Son Return To School Despite His School Anxiety

Dear Diane,

Thank you so much for answering this reader question. Here is a link to the article: http://www.commitmentnow.com/family-love/your-childs-education/features/more-your-childs-education-articles

If you like, post this link on your web site, blog, Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter pages if it will help publicize the work you are doing to help young people. 

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom and insight.

Paula Davis
Book Editor

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 03-03-2010 | Add Comment

Raising kids who are at home with themselves by Annie Fox

Dear Readers,

Here is another great article from Annie Fox. Please send along your comments and questions, they are appreciated.

Enjoy,

Diane


When I was 15 my father died suddenly. Though I continued living at the same address until I left for college, it never again felt like home. That’s probably when I began looking for something that couldn’t be lost or taken away - a feeling of home inside myself.

When you meet someone who is truly at home with herself, she put others at ease by osmosis. Her self-acceptance expands to include accepting you. We are instinctively drawn to such people.

Many of your children will be graduating this spring… from elementary school. From middle or high school. From college. Big changes in store that are best weathered by kids who are at home with themselves so they can be “at home” wherever they are. Accepting of others and new situations.

How well prepared are your children for the next chapter in their lives, whatever it might be? How confident are they in their ability to cope with and adapt to what’s ahead? And what can you do to help and support them throughout? Here are some tips:

How to raise young adults who are at home with themselves

  1. Create a home base that’s a safety net and a launching pad. Home should support a child’s emotional development and nurture his spirit. With a stable, loving and accepting family to return to anything is possible… even venturing into the unknown. Kids who grow up with a strong foundation are like turtles, always carrying their sense of home along with them. Remind yourself often that your parenting goal is to prepare your children for life. That means helping them develop critical thinking skills. It also means acting with compassion, kindness, and generosity of spirit. Whenever you catch your teens doing or saying something that demonstrates these capacities, let them know you approve. It helps them develop a positive self-image, essential for feeling at home with themselves.
  2. Uncertainty is not a dirty word. When you know absolutely what you stand for then you should absolutely take a stand. A great message for adolescents who often let their addiction to peer approval prevent them from doing what’s right. But uncertainty is part of life. Kids brought up to believe that doubt isn’t an acceptable emotion are reluctant to try new things. How can they be at home with themselves if they’re unwilling to experience confusion? How can they be at home in the world if they’re not open to new things that they may not immediately understand? If you truly want them to become self-confident adults who move through life with grace and courage then let them know that it’s okay not to know. Sometimes things become clear after we’ve had the courage to venture forth armed only with uncertainty and a willingness to accept what crosses our path, take it in and learn from it.
  3. Model adaptability and an open attitude. If you tend to be anxious your attitude may be making it more difficult for your kids to feel at home anywhere. Ask yourself these questions:
    • Do I like surprises?
    • Do I enjoy: Meeting new people? Eating new foods? Listening to new music? Going to places and doing things I’ve never done before?
    • Do I take time to notice my surroundings?
    • Am I critical or suspicious of things/people that are different?
    • When I’m feeling “out of my element” do I usually: Shut down and withdraw? Become combative and defensive? Have a drink? Crank up the volume of my social self? Acknowledge my discomfort and try to relax and become more openIf you always need to feel in control then challenge yourself to become a bit more flexible. The more open you are to change the more adaptable your kids will be
  4. Travel, as a family. Use a family vacation as an opportunity to step back a bit and let your kids show what they’ve already learned about being at home in the world. Notice their competencies and acknowledge them. And if you’re traveling to a new place, you might take the point of view that you are strangers in a strange land together. As “strangers”, your family has a chance to observe, learn and push the edges of your collective comfort zones. Share your feelings. Yes, being in a strange new place can be scary, but it can also reinforce how strong and capable each of you are.
  5. Encourage independence. As the parent of a tween or teen now is the time for you to be stepping back from center stage where you’ve managed your child’s life for years. It’s your daughter’s or your son’s turn to take over as their own manager. They’ll need that experience when they actually leave home. They’ll also need to know that “home” (including their growing self-confidence, plus your love and everything you’ve taught them) is always right there in their heart, nurturing their spirit.


Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an awardwinning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens.AnnieFox.com.

Read excerpts from her books: Too Stressed to Think? and the newMiddle School Confidential™ series. Download (free) her entire book: TeenSurvival Guide to Dating & Relating.Listen to her podcast series"Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting"FamilyConfidential.com

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-19-2010 | Add Comment

Children and Empathy

Dear Readers,

In today's New York Times I read this wonderful article, "Empathy's Natural, but Nurturing It Helps"  written by Jane E. Brody in the Personal Health section—I thought it was worth posting a link to it.

" Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and recognize and respond to what that person is feeling...."

The article discusses the fact that children are born with different capacities for empathy,  part of their innate qualities, but that parents and other important adult figures in a child's life can foster empathic behavior in children by modeling it. Examples given are parents or guardians who are sympathetic to the feeling of others and teachers who are warm and affectionate. An effective way for adults to teach children about empathy is the substance and style they use when correcting a child's behavior . The article states: "...recognize the feelings behind a child's behavior...and when trying to correct bad behavior...remain calm, not punitive."

Personal Health - Empathy Is Natural, but Nurturing It Helps ...

Feb 16, 2010 ... Empathy's Natural, but Nurturing It Helps .... Next Article in Health (21 of 31) » A version of this article appeared ... Inside NYTimes.com ...
www.nytimes.com/2010/02/16/health/16brod.html - 3 hours ago


Enjoy, and please send me your comments and questions.

Warm regards,
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-16-2010 | Add Comment

Child Development--Language Skills

Dear Readers,

Though not writing actual blogs I will be posting articles from newspapers that I think will be of interest and might be beneficial, along with quests bloggers posting their wonderful information too.  Below is a link to an article that appeared in the New York Times on Tuesday, February 9th called: When to Worry if a Child Has Too Few Words by Perri Klass, M.D. Also included at the end of the article are tips for enhancing children's speech and language skills, such as "Read to your child often."

Please enjoy and send along questions and comments.

18 and Under - Assessing a Child's Speech Delay Is Difficult, Yet ...

Feb 9, 2010 ... When to Worry if a Child Has Too Few Words .... Next Article in Health (8 of 43) » A version of this article appeared ... Inside NYTimes.com ...
www.nytimes.com/2010/02/09/health/09klass.html

Warm Regards,
Diane


Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-11-2010 | Add Comment

Schools & Junk Food

Dear Readers,

Below is a link to another article from today's New York Times about the government wanting a ban on candy, soda and other junk food to help fight childhood obesity. Enjoy.


A Federal Effort to Push Junk Food Out of Schools - NYTimes.comFeb 8, 2010 ... A Federal Effort to Push Junk Food Out of Schools ... Next Article in Health (5 of 43) » A version of this article appeared in print on ...
www.nytimes.com/2010/02/08/health/.../08junk.html - 21 minutes ago

Warmly,
Diane

P.S. Please don't forget to add your comments and questions.

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-08-2010 | Add Comment

Stress Reduction for School Kids "Pass the Squishy"

Dear Readers,

I read this article in the Sunday, Feb 7th  New York Times. It contains great information for helping stressed-out kids. Enjoy.


Haven Academy in the Bronx Serves Children From Broken Homes ...

Feb 7, 2010 ... Pass the Squishy. Librado Romero/The New York Times .... Next Article in Education (1 of 33) » A version of this article appeared in print ...
www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/education/07foster.html

Warmly,
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-08-2010 | Add Comment

10 Steps For Helping Your Teen After a Melt-Down Or a Blow-Up by Annie Fox

If your teen is upset andwilling to talk to you about what's going on, these steps can help you helphim/her calm down and figure out the next best move. If your teen is not yetready to talk, respect that and check back with him/her later. If your son/daughteris unwilling to talk to you for whatever reason and your gut tells you theyneed to talk to someone... get the help of another adult that you and yourchild trust.

  1. Encourage your teen to ACKNOWLEDGE what he's feeling and what triggered it. He doesn't need to tell you, "I'm stressed/pissed/worried, etc. and here's why." You certainly don't want to pressure him by insisting he puts feelings into words. More stress is not what your teen needs right now! What matters most is that your teen tells himself the truth, AKA "I'm upset about _______." That's much better than pretending he's not upset when clearly he is. Also, naming the emotion and the trigger helps to move your child from a purely reactive place into a more reflective (thinking) place. Exactly where you want him to go.
  1. Your teen needs to STOP. Tell her calmly and firmly to put on the brakes. This is especially important if she's in the middle of an argument on the phone, online, or in the real world. Continuing to fight will only escalate the situation (on both sides). No good will come of it and your teen is more likely to do or say something she will later regret. You are more likely to do the same. So stop yourself from reacting then tell her to STOP. If she won't, you may have to take away the phone or computer for an enforced time out. If she's arguing with you, simply remove yourself from the situation by saying, "I need a break. Let's talk about this later when we've both calmed down." Then make sure you revisit the conversation soon.
  1. Tell your teen to CALM DOWN. Assuming he's put on the brakes on his behavior, he now needs to chill in the emotion department. If your teen asks "Why should I?!" The simple answer is: "Because it's the best thing you can do right now for yourself and the people around you."
  1. Take a BREAK. Or take a walk. Take a nap. Take a shower. Breathe. Count to 50. This advice works for you as well as for your teen. Make sure your teen knows that whatever it takes to calm down is good as long as it's legal, healthy, respectful, and not against your core values. Make sure you model those rules in your own life. Explain that if your teen won't calm down, stress will control them and they won't get to Step #5 where solving their problem really begins.
  1. THINK about your goal. Ask your (now calmer) teen: "What are you trying to do?" In other words: "You've got a situation here... what's your idea for the best outcome?"
  1. Ask: "Does someone need to change in order for you to achieve your goal?" If someone else must start doing something different then your teen's goal is out of her hands. To pursue it is to set oneself up for more stress! Remind your teen that all we can ever control in life is our own response to what's going on. When your teen can identify something she personally can work on, she's ready to proceed to #7...
  1. Ask: "What are your OPTIONS for reaching your goal?" Help your teen make a list of all the options for improving the situation. For each option, encourage him to predict what might happen as a result of choosing that option. Don't evaluate your teen's options! Keep your mouth closed unless he asks for your opinion. Guide him by asking: Will what you're thinking of doing create more or less stress? In you? In a friend? In a group? Important questions to consider before any action is taken! This is an exercise in critical thinking. Let your teen take the lead, think through his options and come to his own conclusions. Your job is to facilitate the process not run it.
  1. Ask your teen to CHOOSE the option that best HELPS the situation. Advise her that options which intentional hurt or embarrass other people, anger them or put you in danger will only make things worse. They'll also create more stress and will bring your teen back to Step #1. Instead, encourage her to move forward. HINT: The option that makes the best sense for improving the situation is usually accompanied by feelings of empowerment and increased self-respect, if not immediately, then in the long run.
  1. TAKE ACTION. Your teen should be ready to act. A viable (and mature) course of action may be to opt out of an ongoing argument. In other words, to choose "not take the bait." In many teen social dramas, this is often an excellent move for your child to decide on. On the surface, it may look like doing nothing, but it actually is accomplishing a lot. And it often takes tremendous courage and/or self-control.
  1. CONGRATULATE your teen for calming down and thinking things through. That's so much healthier and more mature than reacting without thinking.


Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an awardwinning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens.AnnieFox.com.

Read excerpts from her books: Too Stressed to Think? and the newMiddle School Confidential™ series. Download (free) her entire book: TeenSurvival Guide to Dating & Relating.Listen to her podcast series"Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting"FamilyConfidential.com

 

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-02-2010 | View Comments (2) | Add Comment

Guest Bloggers Taking Over

Dear Readers,

I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday season full of peace and joy. My blog went quiet in mid-November as I began reducing my work load because I found my self crashing and burning—talk about being unaware of self! Blogging and other tasks were crossed off the list, for a while at least.

Then in December a close family member was diagnosed with cancer and my priorities had to be revised again and getting beneficial information out to you, dear readers, was off the list again. But I came up with a solution. I contacted therapists, educators and authors who have already been guests on this blog to write for the Overcoming School Anxiety blog while I am away from it. Happily for me and luckily for you they all agreed.

Topics will extend beyond school anxiety and writers will have links to their websites and books. I am honored to introduce them to you:

Annie Fox - www.AnnieFox.com
Suzanna Narducci - www.TweenParent.com
Elisha Goldstein - www.drsgoldstein.com or www.mentalhelp.net

From time to time other guests will be invited to blog about parent and child issues too.

Please send your questions and comments to my blog or to the guests link.

All my best,
Diane




Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-01-2010 | Add Comment

Interview with Annie Fox

Dear Readers,

You have been introduced to Annie Fox through the podcast of Annie interviewing me. Now it's Annie's turn. I've asked Annie questions about her work with tweens and teens and she has provided all of us with wonderful information.

Annie and I welcome your questions and comments. Enjoy!  You can find Annie at www.anniefox.com

Warmly,
Diane

Question: Annie, you are committed to working with children, tweens, teens and parents through your books, speaking engagements and as online advisor, Hey Terra.  Please tell us more about these endeavors.

AF: I’ve been an online adviser for tweens and teens for the past 12 years. I get email questions from kids around the world who need help with friendship conflicts, problems with parents, self-esteem issues, the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone. Pretty unusual job, I’ll admit. People often ask “How’d you ever get into that?” It was as a direct result of my husband David dragging me, kicking, screaming into the Computer Age in 1976. In 1977 we opened the world’s first public-access educational microcomputer center in San Rafael, CA. For me, the substance of my work has always been about kids and their social/emotional development. Though the form has definitely changed over time I’ve always either worked directly with kids or created content for them (plays, stories, CD ROM games, online games, curriculum, books, websites.) David and I launched my teen website ( theinsite.org ) in June 1997, that lead to books to help teens understand themselves better, seminars to help parents understand their tweens and teens and teacher training. I love to talk and so whenever someone with a microphone invites me over, I go.

Question: What do you think are the greatest challenges tweens and teens face today? 

AF: There are several challenges that make 21st century kids so desperate for 21st century parenting (vs. the kind we got). The world is a noisier, faster place and the omnipresence of media is changing childhood. I’m talking about the marketing messages bombarding young kids to be "sexy." I’m talking about the social digital media that doesn’t give them a moment’s peace from the social drama of middle school. I’m talking about parents who are stressed and not as emotionally available as their kids need them to be. I’m talking about the pressure schools put on students to perform on tests without offering much in the way of fostering a love of learning. I’m also talking about the unrelenting homework load and after school schedules that have robbed kids of time to dream and robbed families of time to just be.

Question: Please tell us what problems parents of tweens and teens ask about at your speaking engagements? 

AF: Parents often ask “How can I get my son/daughter to be more respectful, more responsible?” I think the answer often lies in how clear the expectations are for a teen’s behavior in the family and when they are out on their own with friends. When it comes to respect, well, that’s a two-way street. Calling a teen “lazy” or “useless” out of frustration is no way to garner respect. Likewise, telling your child you’ll pick her up at 4:30 and not get their until 4:45, isn’t a great formula for teaching responsibility. I’m not saying that all the problems parents have with tweens and teens are the parents’ fault. No way! I’m simply saying that when parents lose sight of  their parenting objectives (to raise an independent, emotionally resilient, responsible, compassionate, respectful young adult… or whatever traits you’re going for) and they don’t have a parenting “curriculum” that daily re-inforces their objectives rather than undermines them, then they are, in fact, contributing to whatever conflicts they’ve got with their son or daughter.

Question: Knowing that the tween and teen years can be confusing and unsettling for parents as well as kids, would you give readers some tips that could help parents to communicate and connect with their tweens and teens in positive ways? 

AF: Here are my top ten tips for Improving Parent-Teen Relationships:

  1. Remember that you are the parent — Your job is to protect your child and prepare him/her to become a fully functioning adult. Being a leader and a compassionate teacher is more important than being your teen’s friend.
  2. Remain calm — Nothing gets resolved when stress makes it impossible to think clearly. Can’t respond rationally? Then take a break until you can.
  3. Talk less and listen more — Just like the rest of us, teens want to be respected and heard. Be a "safe" and available person to talk to.
  4. It’s a balancing act — A key challenge in parenting teens is to remain emotionally connected while granting your kids more privacy and autonomy.
  5. They’re always watching – Want your teen to be trustworthy, responsible, and compassionate? Make sure you're modeling those values in your own life.
  6. Make your expectations clear and be consistent with your follow-through — If kids know the consequences ahead of time and they’ve bought into the rules of the house, they're more likely to make healthy choices.
  7. Catch your teen in the act of doing something right — Praise shows that you noticed their efforts. It also promotes a feeling of competency.
  8. Be real — Father/mother does NOT always know best. Admit your own confusion and mistakes. Apologize when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also “a work in progress.”
  9. Regularly create time to enjoy being a family — Having regular meals together and relaxing, unplugged from digital technology, is a gift with long-lasting benefits.
  10. Lighten up! — Humor is a great de-stressor. Remember, no one stays a teen (or the parent of a teen) forever!
Question: Annie, please tell us about any upcoming books and other activities readers would be interested in

AF:  What’s Up With My Family? Book 3 of my Middle School Confidential series will be published in January. I’m currently working on Book 4 (It’s about school.) The other thing I can let you in on is that I’ll be presenting at the 16th Annual Character plus Conference in St. Louis in June 2010.


Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 11-17-2009 | Add Comment

Tweens and School Resistance Interview from AnnieFox.com

Dear Readers,

Annie Fox has a great website (www.anniefox.com) and book series called Middle School Confidential, both of which I refer to parents of the tweens and teens I see in my therapy practice. 

Recently, Annie interviewed me for her readers and that podcast is linked on this blog. Annie and I welcome your comments and questions, and I urge you to bookmark her site.  You may listen by clicking here.
 
Thanks so much. 

Warmly, 
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 11-03-2009 | Add Comment
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