Overcoming School Anxiety Blog
with Diane Peters Mayer, M.S.W., L.S.W.
Diane Peters Mayer Blog for Overcoming School Anxiety

Schools & Junk Food

Dear Readers,

Below is a link to another article from today's New York Times about the government wanting a ban on candy, soda and other junk food to help fight childhood obesity. Enjoy.


A Federal Effort to Push Junk Food Out of Schools - NYTimes.comFeb 8, 2010 ... A Federal Effort to Push Junk Food Out of Schools ... Next Article in Health (5 of 43) » A version of this article appeared in print on ...
www.nytimes.com/2010/02/08/health/.../08junk.html - 21 minutes ago

Warmly,
Diane

P.S. Please don't forget to add your comments and questions.

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-08-2010 | Add Comment

Stress Reduction for School Kids "Pass the Squishy"

Dear Readers,

I read this article in the Sunday, Feb 7th  New York Times. It contains great information for helping stressed-out kids. Enjoy.


Haven Academy in the Bronx Serves Children From Broken Homes ...

Feb 7, 2010 ... Pass the Squishy. Librado Romero/The New York Times .... Next Article in Education (1 of 33) » A version of this article appeared in print ...
www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/education/07foster.html

Warmly,
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-08-2010 | Add Comment

10 Steps For Helping Your Teen After a Melt-Down Or a Blow-Up by Annie Fox

If your teen is upset andwilling to talk to you about what's going on, these steps can help you helphim/her calm down and figure out the next best move. If your teen is not yetready to talk, respect that and check back with him/her later. If your son/daughteris unwilling to talk to you for whatever reason and your gut tells you theyneed to talk to someone... get the help of another adult that you and yourchild trust.

  1. Encourage your teen to ACKNOWLEDGE what he's feeling and what triggered it. He doesn't need to tell you, "I'm stressed/pissed/worried, etc. and here's why." You certainly don't want to pressure him by insisting he puts feelings into words. More stress is not what your teen needs right now! What matters most is that your teen tells himself the truth, AKA "I'm upset about _______." That's much better than pretending he's not upset when clearly he is. Also, naming the emotion and the trigger helps to move your child from a purely reactive place into a more reflective (thinking) place. Exactly where you want him to go.
  1. Your teen needs to STOP. Tell her calmly and firmly to put on the brakes. This is especially important if she's in the middle of an argument on the phone, online, or in the real world. Continuing to fight will only escalate the situation (on both sides). No good will come of it and your teen is more likely to do or say something she will later regret. You are more likely to do the same. So stop yourself from reacting then tell her to STOP. If she won't, you may have to take away the phone or computer for an enforced time out. If she's arguing with you, simply remove yourself from the situation by saying, "I need a break. Let's talk about this later when we've both calmed down." Then make sure you revisit the conversation soon.
  1. Tell your teen to CALM DOWN. Assuming he's put on the brakes on his behavior, he now needs to chill in the emotion department. If your teen asks "Why should I?!" The simple answer is: "Because it's the best thing you can do right now for yourself and the people around you."
  1. Take a BREAK. Or take a walk. Take a nap. Take a shower. Breathe. Count to 50. This advice works for you as well as for your teen. Make sure your teen knows that whatever it takes to calm down is good as long as it's legal, healthy, respectful, and not against your core values. Make sure you model those rules in your own life. Explain that if your teen won't calm down, stress will control them and they won't get to Step #5 where solving their problem really begins.
  1. THINK about your goal. Ask your (now calmer) teen: "What are you trying to do?" In other words: "You've got a situation here... what's your idea for the best outcome?"
  1. Ask: "Does someone need to change in order for you to achieve your goal?" If someone else must start doing something different then your teen's goal is out of her hands. To pursue it is to set oneself up for more stress! Remind your teen that all we can ever control in life is our own response to what's going on. When your teen can identify something she personally can work on, she's ready to proceed to #7...
  1. Ask: "What are your OPTIONS for reaching your goal?" Help your teen make a list of all the options for improving the situation. For each option, encourage him to predict what might happen as a result of choosing that option. Don't evaluate your teen's options! Keep your mouth closed unless he asks for your opinion. Guide him by asking: Will what you're thinking of doing create more or less stress? In you? In a friend? In a group? Important questions to consider before any action is taken! This is an exercise in critical thinking. Let your teen take the lead, think through his options and come to his own conclusions. Your job is to facilitate the process not run it.
  1. Ask your teen to CHOOSE the option that best HELPS the situation. Advise her that options which intentional hurt or embarrass other people, anger them or put you in danger will only make things worse. They'll also create more stress and will bring your teen back to Step #1. Instead, encourage her to move forward. HINT: The option that makes the best sense for improving the situation is usually accompanied by feelings of empowerment and increased self-respect, if not immediately, then in the long run.
  1. TAKE ACTION. Your teen should be ready to act. A viable (and mature) course of action may be to opt out of an ongoing argument. In other words, to choose "not take the bait." In many teen social dramas, this is often an excellent move for your child to decide on. On the surface, it may look like doing nothing, but it actually is accomplishing a lot. And it often takes tremendous courage and/or self-control.
  1. CONGRATULATE your teen for calming down and thinking things through. That's so much healthier and more mature than reacting without thinking.


Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an awardwinning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens.AnnieFox.com.

Read excerpts from her books: Too Stressed to Think? and the newMiddle School Confidential™ series. Download (free) her entire book: TeenSurvival Guide to Dating & Relating.Listen to her podcast series"Family Confidential: Secrets of Successful Parenting"FamilyConfidential.com

 

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-02-2010 | View Comments (2) | Add Comment

Guest Bloggers Taking Over

Dear Readers,

I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday season full of peace and joy. My blog went quiet in mid-November as I began reducing my work load because I found my self crashing and burning—talk about being unaware of self! Blogging and other tasks were crossed off the list, for a while at least.

Then in December a close family member was diagnosed with cancer and my priorities had to be revised again and getting beneficial information out to you, dear readers, was off the list again. But I came up with a solution. I contacted therapists, educators and authors who have already been guests on this blog to write for the Overcoming School Anxiety blog while I am away from it. Happily for me and luckily for you they all agreed.

Topics will extend beyond school anxiety and writers will have links to their websites and books. I am honored to introduce them to you:

Annie Fox - www.AnnieFox.com
Suzanna Narducci - www.TweenParent.com
Elisha Goldstein - www.drsgoldstein.com or www.mentalhelp.net

From time to time other guests will be invited to blog about parent and child issues too.

Please send your questions and comments to my blog or to the guests link.

All my best,
Diane




Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 02-01-2010 | Add Comment

Interview with Annie Fox

Dear Readers,

You have been introduced to Annie Fox through the podcast of Annie interviewing me. Now it's Annie's turn. I've asked Annie questions about her work with tweens and teens and she has provided all of us with wonderful information.

Annie and I welcome your questions and comments. Enjoy!  You can find Annie at www.anniefox.com

Warmly,
Diane

Question: Annie, you are committed to working with children, tweens, teens and parents through your books, speaking engagements and as online advisor, Hey Terra.  Please tell us more about these endeavors.

AF: I’ve been an online adviser for tweens and teens for the past 12 years. I get email questions from kids around the world who need help with friendship conflicts, problems with parents, self-esteem issues, the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone. Pretty unusual job, I’ll admit. People often ask “How’d you ever get into that?” It was as a direct result of my husband David dragging me, kicking, screaming into the Computer Age in 1976. In 1977 we opened the world’s first public-access educational microcomputer center in San Rafael, CA. For me, the substance of my work has always been about kids and their social/emotional development. Though the form has definitely changed over time I’ve always either worked directly with kids or created content for them (plays, stories, CD ROM games, online games, curriculum, books, websites.) David and I launched my teen website ( theinsite.org ) in June 1997, that lead to books to help teens understand themselves better, seminars to help parents understand their tweens and teens and teacher training. I love to talk and so whenever someone with a microphone invites me over, I go.

Question: What do you think are the greatest challenges tweens and teens face today? 

AF: There are several challenges that make 21st century kids so desperate for 21st century parenting (vs. the kind we got). The world is a noisier, faster place and the omnipresence of media is changing childhood. I’m talking about the marketing messages bombarding young kids to be "sexy." I’m talking about the social digital media that doesn’t give them a moment’s peace from the social drama of middle school. I’m talking about parents who are stressed and not as emotionally available as their kids need them to be. I’m talking about the pressure schools put on students to perform on tests without offering much in the way of fostering a love of learning. I’m also talking about the unrelenting homework load and after school schedules that have robbed kids of time to dream and robbed families of time to just be.

Question: Please tell us what problems parents of tweens and teens ask about at your speaking engagements? 

AF: Parents often ask “How can I get my son/daughter to be more respectful, more responsible?” I think the answer often lies in how clear the expectations are for a teen’s behavior in the family and when they are out on their own with friends. When it comes to respect, well, that’s a two-way street. Calling a teen “lazy” or “useless” out of frustration is no way to garner respect. Likewise, telling your child you’ll pick her up at 4:30 and not get their until 4:45, isn’t a great formula for teaching responsibility. I’m not saying that all the problems parents have with tweens and teens are the parents’ fault. No way! I’m simply saying that when parents lose sight of  their parenting objectives (to raise an independent, emotionally resilient, responsible, compassionate, respectful young adult… or whatever traits you’re going for) and they don’t have a parenting “curriculum” that daily re-inforces their objectives rather than undermines them, then they are, in fact, contributing to whatever conflicts they’ve got with their son or daughter.

Question: Knowing that the tween and teen years can be confusing and unsettling for parents as well as kids, would you give readers some tips that could help parents to communicate and connect with their tweens and teens in positive ways? 

AF: Here are my top ten tips for Improving Parent-Teen Relationships:

  1. Remember that you are the parent — Your job is to protect your child and prepare him/her to become a fully functioning adult. Being a leader and a compassionate teacher is more important than being your teen’s friend.
  2. Remain calm — Nothing gets resolved when stress makes it impossible to think clearly. Can’t respond rationally? Then take a break until you can.
  3. Talk less and listen more — Just like the rest of us, teens want to be respected and heard. Be a "safe" and available person to talk to.
  4. It’s a balancing act — A key challenge in parenting teens is to remain emotionally connected while granting your kids more privacy and autonomy.
  5. They’re always watching – Want your teen to be trustworthy, responsible, and compassionate? Make sure you're modeling those values in your own life.
  6. Make your expectations clear and be consistent with your follow-through — If kids know the consequences ahead of time and they’ve bought into the rules of the house, they're more likely to make healthy choices.
  7. Catch your teen in the act of doing something right — Praise shows that you noticed their efforts. It also promotes a feeling of competency.
  8. Be real — Father/mother does NOT always know best. Admit your own confusion and mistakes. Apologize when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also “a work in progress.”
  9. Regularly create time to enjoy being a family — Having regular meals together and relaxing, unplugged from digital technology, is a gift with long-lasting benefits.
  10. Lighten up! — Humor is a great de-stressor. Remember, no one stays a teen (or the parent of a teen) forever!
Question: Annie, please tell us about any upcoming books and other activities readers would be interested in

AF:  What’s Up With My Family? Book 3 of my Middle School Confidential series will be published in January. I’m currently working on Book 4 (It’s about school.) The other thing I can let you in on is that I’ll be presenting at the 16th Annual Character plus Conference in St. Louis in June 2010.


Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 11-17-2009 | Add Comment

Tweens and School Resistance Interview from AnnieFox.com

Dear Readers,

Annie Fox has a great website (www.anniefox.com) and book series called Middle School Confidential, both of which I refer to parents of the tweens and teens I see in my therapy practice. 

Recently, Annie interviewed me for her readers and that podcast is linked on this blog. Annie and I welcome your comments and questions, and I urge you to bookmark her site.  You may listen by clicking here.
 
Thanks so much. 

Warmly, 
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 11-03-2009 | Add Comment

Interview with Suzanna Narducci of TweenParent.com

Dear Parents,
I am happy to introduce Suzanna Narducci co-founder of a wonderfully informative website and publication for  parents of pre-adolescents. Please enjoy the interview and both Suzanna and I look forward to your questions and comments.

Warmly, 
Diane

What inspired you to start TweenParent.com?

I’d always felt that parents of middle school aged kids were short changed.  There is so much information available about parenting in the baby and toddler years.  Once kids start to become independent, at a time when they need their parent’s guidance the most, there are very few resources that focus on the issues unique to this age group. 

The inspiration for the site came four years ago when I heard another parent voice concerns about kids posting inappropriate pictures on social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook.  As most parents, at that time, had no idea that these sites existed, they didn’t know what to look for or have the knowledge to understand the pitfalls of social networking.  Clearly, a resource was needed for parents.  I approached friend, Judy King-Murray, with the concept and we developed TweenParent.com.

Why do you think that it is so important to have a publication dedicated specifically to this age group?

The tween years bridge the gap between the kid years and the teen years.  During this time, kids become more independent, their peers’ opinions gain increased value, expectations in school and extracurricular activities ramp up, they are exposed to the cyber world, they are increasingly aware of media influences, and in some cases tweens experience pressure from peers related to alcohol and sex.  At TweenParent.com, our goal is to give parents the information they need about the pressures their kids face and what they need to consider when guiding them through this stage of development.    

What does the site offer parents?

TweenParent.com has a library of articles that covers everything related to tweens from serious parenting issues to fun things to do as a family.  Each week we send out a newsletter that features two new articles.  We have a section called Tween Lingo that keeps parents up to date with the latest slang, IM and texting definitions.  Most importantly, two moms run the site.  Judy and I are all about keeping it real and encourage other parents to give us feedback.  We want to write about all the challenges parents face during the tween years.

What benefits do you hope parents will gain from reading TweenParent.com?

The move to middle school often means that parents become less involved in their kids’ lives at a time when kids are faced with increased pressure from the outside world and start wanting more independence.  Parenting during these years is tough.  We want to offer tools to help moms and dads build a strong and trusting relationship with their kids, both through serious parenting advice and fun ways to enjoy family time.  We also want to give parents the information they’ll need to lay the foundation with their tweens for good decision-making in the teenage years and beyond.  After all, the end goal for parents is to raise well-adjusted, confident, and independent young adults.

What advice do you have to help parents build a good relationship with their preteen?

I think that the most important thing parents can do is to learn how to listen to their kids.  By asking open-ended questions and making sure that they’ve really heard what their preteens have to say, parents create the opportunity to better know and understand their kids.  This skill will come in handy when parents have to set limits.  When kids ask for fewer restrictions, parents can engage them in the process — hear why this privilege is important to your preteen, if you have concerns voice them.  Ask your preteen to suggest a compromise that will make you both feel comfortable.  Parents may still say “no,” but making your child feel heard and understood will help ease the disappointment.  Aside from learning how to listen, I believe that it is important to share family values with your kids and spend time with them.  Knowing that they have their parents’ love and support gives preteens the resilience they need to carry them through tough situations.

A few comments from parents and professionals about TweenParent.com:

TweenParent.com is an excellent resource with a plethora of information to help parents receive and share advice and support from and with a savvy community.  I highly recommend it for all parents of tweens to help them navigate through these challenging years. -Jackie L. Cohen, LCSW MEd, Child/Adolescent Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis

Parenting a tween is a complicated job.  Tweenparent provides me with insightful, timely, and concise information that helps make that job easier.   It's my "go-to" resource whenever I have a question about tween issues.  And I always learn a fresh idea or tip with the newsletter. -Christine Beattie, mom of a tween

Like a lot of parents, I'm busy. I happen to be in the book publishing industry, so I also often have more reading than I can possibly get through. And yet every time the Tweenparent newsletter comes, there is always an article of real use and/or interest to me. It's such an easy, focused, and reliable newsletter that it breaks through the clutter and it's a low-key, warm community I really value. -Laura Dail, Literary Agent and mom of a tween

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 10-29-2009 | Add Comment

Overcoming School Anxiety review on Metapsychology Online Reviews

Dear Readers,

Today, Metapsychology Online Reviews posted a wonderful review of my book by Anthony R. Dickinson, Ph.D and Lucillal Lau. I am honored that they have done so. Dr. Dickinson is a distinguished  academic neuroscientist, educator and the President and Research Director of People Impact International, Inc. Ms. Lau is a training consultant for People Impact Consulting (Asia) Ltd.

Metapsychology Online Reviews is a site I would recommend bookmarking for future reference—new reviews are posted weekly. The site allows for comments about  the reviews on their blogs.

Review - Overcoming School Anxiety - Childhood Disorders

Oct 20, 2009 ... by Diane Peters Mayer AMACOM, 2008 ... anxiety-provoking experiences common to children of school ages, including separation anxiety, worry, ...
metapsychology.mentalhelp.net/.../view_doc.php?... - 3 hours ago - Similar -

Warm regards,
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 10-20-2009 | Add Comment

Tweens: Understanding Chronic Anxiety

Dear Readers,


One of my favorite websites, Tweenparents.com,  started by two moms, has invited me to write a series of articles about tweens and anxiety. Tweenparents.com is an online publication devoted specifically to pre-adolescents and their parents and offers parents: a library of articles relating to tweens, a weekly newsletter and a feature called "Tween Lingo" that helps parents keep up with slang, IM and texting definitions. Feedback and ideas for articles are welcome too.

Article number two is linked below and inlcudes a link to my first article in the series:

TweenParent.com: Parenting Source for Tweens, Pre-teens, Middle School
Why is My Tween Afraid to Leave Home? Understanding Chronic Anxiety. Source: Diane Peters Mayer. (6 ratings).
It's puzzling and scary for Ryan's parents. ...
www.tweenparent.com/ -

Both Tweenparents.com and I invite you to comment and send in questions you may have about your tween.

Warm regards,
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 10-18-2009 | Add Comment

Overcoming School Anxiety--Family Review Network

Dear Readers,


The Family Review Network is a wonderful group of parenting websites offering book and product reviews books, and featuring information about parenting. Many of the bloggers from this network  were kind enough to review my book. Please check out these sites and bookmark those you like. Here is the review posted about my book from their main site:

Overcoming School Anxiety : Family Review Network

 - 4:27amOct 15, 2009 ... Fortunately psychotherapist Diane Peters Mayer has done the research and has created a book called Overcoming School Anxiety to help parents ...
familyreviewnetwork.com/?p=2220 - Similar -

Thank you Family Review Network!

Warm regards,
Diane

Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 10-16-2009 | Add Comment
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