If you have a child with separation anxiety maybe school mornings feel like this: upon waking on a Monday morning the dread begins almost immediately. Your stomach knots and the accompanying muscle tension jumpstarts a low-level headache. Your thoughts race: will it be a good morning or a nightmare like last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday? Only Friday brings some relief—the end of the week, two days of staying home ahead of her syndrome. Will she begin crying as soon as she wakes, move in slow motion when you tell her to get dressed, throw up after breakfast, try to fake an illness, refuse to leave the house to catch the school bus, kick and scream and hang on to you or the car door like her life’s at risk when you try to drop her off at school, run out of the classroom after you leave to try and catch up with you, or tell her teacher that she feels sick and asks to go to the school nurse? Just thinking about the possibilities is enough to send you back to bed and pull the covers over your head.

You manage to drag yourself out of bed and promise yourself that you will not show your frustration, not get outwardly angry, not show how scared you are because your lovely second grader channels Linda Blair in the Exorcist when she has to go to school. The school staff: her teacher, guidance counselor and the school psychologist tell you she has Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD). You’ve talked to the school and Googled the condition, made a plan with the school to get her to class, and are working on helping her calm down and yourself too. Maybe you’re also seeing a therapist, and are reading books on the subject. But her anxiety does not seem to be getting better and has generalized to play dates, birthday parties, and other times when you leave her. You’re worried all the time and know your child is too.

My own struggle with Separation Anxiety Disorder lasted throughout elementary school, but even in Middle School and High School it would make an appearance every September, and I’d feel uncomfortable for weeks until the new school or classes didn’t feel “new” anymore. And I still have remnants of it to this day—at times when I have to do something new (like write a book on deadline) or have to travel alone away from home my old buddy, anxiety, strikes. By this time in my life I accept that sometimes I’ll be anxious but I know how to handle it, to ease symptoms quickly using breathing and other techniques, but it’s still a pain.

If you’re the parent of a school anxious child, first things first—take a deep breath. Separation Anxiety can be eased, your child can learn how to take control of it, but it will take time, patience, practice, and determination.

Beginning steps include contacting the school, educating yourself about SAD and learning how to calm yourself and teaching your child to do so too. Below are a list of other resources besides my book, and a technique that I’ve used successfully in my therapy practice for students who have trouble leaving parent and home.

Useful Information

The following technique will allow your child to refocus his or her fearful thoughts and also to turn off the intense distressing emotions characteristic of separation anxiety onto something that is tangible and positive.

"Bagging It" (bringing home along to school)

• Have your child choose a mini gift bag, or other small bag that will fit into a book bag and desk.
• Help your child personalize and decorate the bag if he or she wishes.
• Have your child choose things that represent you, home and safety to go into the bag. Whatever goes into the bag must have a positive emotional connection for your child. Here are examples that my clients have chosen: family photos, small smooth stones, toys, stuffed animals, written sayings on strips of paper, such as “school is fun,”, “I feel happy,” “I am calm,” I like my teacher.” “I have friends in school.”
• Have your child practice calming belly breathing while holding the bag and touching or looking at the items in it.
• Discuss this technique with your child’s teacher and guidance counselor so they can aid your child in calming down quickly when necessary.

Older students with SAD are generally ashamed about how they feel, and no way are they going to decorate and carry around a bag. What they usually do is find one item that they can hide in a pocket or purse that they can touch when they feel anxious to calm themselves.

Other Books:

• Helping Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety or School Refusal: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents, by Andrew K. Eisen, Linda B. Engler, Joshua Sparrow.
• What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety, by Dawn Huebner